The post below reminded me of something that I had written about my Dad over a year ago. It still rings so true. I love you Dad!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
My Hero
Current mood: loved
..> So I guess I'm getting older because I'm starting to reflect.....:)
As I sat last night in the E.R waiting for some relief from some major neck and head pain I truly started to think about life. As I sat there a little afraid and concerned, I watched mothers with their babies. Young and old pacing and waiting. I looked over to see the most familiar face my Dad. A face that I have been looking at for many years. A face so familiar I could trace it with my fingers. As I looked at this man I call father I begin to reflect on things that have happened in my life. With each and every happy, sad, and frightning event he was there. To hold my hand, kiss my cheek or just say tomorrow is another day. To say that I love and admire this man would be the understatment of the year. In life we all have battles and I most definitly have not been exempt from them. But I have had a rock that I have truly been able to run to in time of need. In every situation I have been able to pick up the phone and say dad..... and no matter where he, is or what he is in the middle of he is there.
I have so many happy memories with my dad. Driving to everyone of my softball games, taking me to theme parks,and putting up with me and my rowdy friends. But I have even more vivid memories of the times that weren't so pleasant and mean even more. When I say my dad is a rock, he is. I have never seen him waiver. He is a man of conviction, charachter and integrity. He is calm in the middle of the storm and has a solution to almost every problem.
In the last two years I have faced one of the toughest battles of my life. I know that God, my friends, and my beautiful loving mother were key in helping with the healing. But my dad has held my hand, let me vent, told me when I was being stubborn and when I just needed to let go. He is my hero. I love this man with every fiber of my being. My prayer everyday is that I can even come close to being the tower of strength for my babies that he has been to me. I love you Daddy!!!
Love, Your Spider Monkey :)
Welcome to our world. Here is a little window into the the lives of Jay, Tarrah, Haleigh, Haden, Madison and Bowen. We have lots of fun and enjoy each and every day together, in the air or on the ground.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Letter
I love this, it is so heartfelt. It is a letter that Jenna and Barbara Bush wrote to Sasha and Malia Obama. What a compliment to their Daddy Mr. Bush. Grab some kleenex!! You will want to turn off the music below.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Divorce & Kids
As you know this is a subject I feel very passionate about.
An Exploration of the Ramifications of Divorce on Children and Adolescents
Sara Eleoff
The Pennsylvania State University College of Medicine
November 2003
Initial Reactions of Children to Divorce [3]
· Divorce is an intensely stressful experience for all children, regardless of age or developmental level; many children are inadequately prepared for the impending divorce by their parents. A study in 1980 found that less than 10% of children had support from adults other than relatives during the acute phase of the divorce.
· The pain experienced by children at the beginning of a divorce is composed of: a sense of vulnerability as the family disintegrates, a grief reaction to the loss of the intact family (many children do not realize their parents’ marriage is troubled), loss of the non-custodial parent, a feeling of intense anger as the disruption of the family, and strong feelings of powerlessness.
· Unlike bereavement or other stressful events, it is almost unique to divorcing families that as children experience the onset of this life change, usual and customary support systems tend to dissolve, though the ignorance or unwillingness of adults to actively seek out this support for children.
Developmental Considerations in the Response of Children [3]
· A major focus of the scholarly literature on divorce is the grouping of common reactions of children by age groups.
· Preschool (ages 3-5): These children are likely to exhibit a regression of the most recent developmental milestone achieved. Additionally, sleep disturbances and an exacerbated fear of separation from the custodial parent are common. There is usually a great deal of yearning for the non-custodial parent.
· Early latency (ages 6½-8): These children will often openly grieve for the departed parent. There is a noted preoccupation with fantasies that distinguishes the reactions of this age group. Children have replacement fantasies, or fantasies that their parents will happily reunite in the not-so-distant future. Children in this developmental stage have an especially difficult time with the concept of the permanence of the divorce.
· Late latency (ages 8-11): Anger and a feeling of powerlessness are the predominate emotional response in this age group. Like the other developmental stages, these children experience a grief reaction to the loss of their previously intact family. There is a greater tendency to label a ‘good’ parent and a ‘bad’ parent and these children are very susceptible to attempting to take care of a parent at the expense of their own needs.
· Adolescence (ages 12-18): Adolescents are prone to responding to their parent’s divorce with acute depression, suicidal ideation, and sometimes violent acting out episodes. These children tend to focus on the moral issues surrounding divorce and will often judge their parents’ decisions and actions. Many adolescents become anxious and fearful about their own future love and marital relationships. However, this age group has the capability to perceive integrity in the post-divorce relationship of their parents and to show compassion for their parents without neglecting their own needs.
Effects of Divorce on the Parent-Child Relationship
· Diminished parenting: In the wake of a divorce, most custodial mothers exhibit varying degrees of disorganization, anger, decreased expectations for appropriate social behavior of their children, and a reduction of the ability of parents to separate the child’s needs and actions from those of the adult. While diminished parenting is usually an expected short-term consequence of divorce; there is a serious potential for these changes to become chronic if a custodial parent does not reconstitute the relationship with the child or becomes involved in a new relationship which overwhelms the relationship with the child. [4]
· The overburdened child phenomena: approximately 15% of children interviewed at the 10 year follow-up point in a 15 year study showed significant effects from taking on the role of holding a custodial parent together psychologically. In a change that goes deeper than a simple reversal of the care-taker role, the child oftentimes becomes responsible for staving off depression and other threats to parent’s psychological functioning, at the cost of their own needs. [3]
The Impact of Paternal Involvement on Post-Divorce Children [2]
· When the divorce rate began to rise exponentially in the 1970s, it was thought that absence of paternal contact was a critical factor in the poor adaptation of some children to divorce. Several studies, including the National Survey of Children, have shown that paternal participation has a negligible effect, if any, on the well being of children (academics, behavioral problems, distress, and delinquency). However, it is important to note that there are several limiting factors in these studies (low overall level of paternal contact with children) and that the principle conclusion derived should be that increased paternal contact does not correlate to increases in positive outcomes.
Long-term Outcomes
· 10 and 15 year longitudinal studies show that divorce is not to be considered as an acute stress/crisis in the lives of children but rather, it is an event that can have long term consequences on psychosocial functional of children, adolescents, and young adults. The long-term outcomes of well-adjusted or poorly adjusted children draw heavily on the child’s post-divorce quality of life and on the post-divorce or remarried parent-child relationships.
· The most frequent delayed onset negative consequences center around anxieties and fear of the child that s/he will repeat the failed marital or love relationship that the child observed during the divorce. [4]
· Wallerstein’s ‘sleeper effect’ is a piquant example of the far-reaching effects of one such long-term consequence. Up to 66% of the women between 19-23 that were interviewed during 10 years post-divorce had a resurgence of anxiety, fear, guilt, and anger that they had suppressed for many years. These feelings tended to resurface when the adolescent and young adult women were attempting to make major life decisions (such as marriage). [3]
Conclusions
· Divorce and its ensuing ramifications can have a significant and life-altering impact on the well being and subsequent development of children and adolescents.
· The consequences of divorce impact almost all aspects of a child’s life, including the parent-child relationship, emotions and behavior, psychological development, and coping skills.
· There is a significant need for child mental health professionals, along with other child specialists, to be cognizant of the broad spectrum of possible fall-out from a divorce and then to provide sufficient support for children of divorced parents in all the necessary psychosocial aspects of the child’s life.
References
1. Hetherington EM. Furstenberg FF. Sounding the Alarm. Readings: A Journal of Review and Commentary in Mental Health. 6: 4-8, 1989.
2. Furstenberg FF. Morgan SP. Allison PD. Paternal Participation and Children’s Well-Being After Marital Dissolution. American Sociological Review. 52: 695-701, 1987.
3. Wallerstein, JS. Corbin SB. The Child and the Vicissitudes of Divorce.
4. Wallerstein, JS. Children After Divorce: Wounds That Don’t Heal. The Psychiatric Times: Medicine and Behavior. 8: 8-11, 1989.
Back to the Divorce and Children page
An Exploration of the Ramifications of Divorce on Children and Adolescents
Sara Eleoff
The Pennsylvania State University College of Medicine
November 2003
Initial Reactions of Children to Divorce [3]
· Divorce is an intensely stressful experience for all children, regardless of age or developmental level; many children are inadequately prepared for the impending divorce by their parents. A study in 1980 found that less than 10% of children had support from adults other than relatives during the acute phase of the divorce.
· The pain experienced by children at the beginning of a divorce is composed of: a sense of vulnerability as the family disintegrates, a grief reaction to the loss of the intact family (many children do not realize their parents’ marriage is troubled), loss of the non-custodial parent, a feeling of intense anger as the disruption of the family, and strong feelings of powerlessness.
· Unlike bereavement or other stressful events, it is almost unique to divorcing families that as children experience the onset of this life change, usual and customary support systems tend to dissolve, though the ignorance or unwillingness of adults to actively seek out this support for children.
Developmental Considerations in the Response of Children [3]
· A major focus of the scholarly literature on divorce is the grouping of common reactions of children by age groups.
· Preschool (ages 3-5): These children are likely to exhibit a regression of the most recent developmental milestone achieved. Additionally, sleep disturbances and an exacerbated fear of separation from the custodial parent are common. There is usually a great deal of yearning for the non-custodial parent.
· Early latency (ages 6½-8): These children will often openly grieve for the departed parent. There is a noted preoccupation with fantasies that distinguishes the reactions of this age group. Children have replacement fantasies, or fantasies that their parents will happily reunite in the not-so-distant future. Children in this developmental stage have an especially difficult time with the concept of the permanence of the divorce.
· Late latency (ages 8-11): Anger and a feeling of powerlessness are the predominate emotional response in this age group. Like the other developmental stages, these children experience a grief reaction to the loss of their previously intact family. There is a greater tendency to label a ‘good’ parent and a ‘bad’ parent and these children are very susceptible to attempting to take care of a parent at the expense of their own needs.
· Adolescence (ages 12-18): Adolescents are prone to responding to their parent’s divorce with acute depression, suicidal ideation, and sometimes violent acting out episodes. These children tend to focus on the moral issues surrounding divorce and will often judge their parents’ decisions and actions. Many adolescents become anxious and fearful about their own future love and marital relationships. However, this age group has the capability to perceive integrity in the post-divorce relationship of their parents and to show compassion for their parents without neglecting their own needs.
Effects of Divorce on the Parent-Child Relationship
· Diminished parenting: In the wake of a divorce, most custodial mothers exhibit varying degrees of disorganization, anger, decreased expectations for appropriate social behavior of their children, and a reduction of the ability of parents to separate the child’s needs and actions from those of the adult. While diminished parenting is usually an expected short-term consequence of divorce; there is a serious potential for these changes to become chronic if a custodial parent does not reconstitute the relationship with the child or becomes involved in a new relationship which overwhelms the relationship with the child. [4]
· The overburdened child phenomena: approximately 15% of children interviewed at the 10 year follow-up point in a 15 year study showed significant effects from taking on the role of holding a custodial parent together psychologically. In a change that goes deeper than a simple reversal of the care-taker role, the child oftentimes becomes responsible for staving off depression and other threats to parent’s psychological functioning, at the cost of their own needs. [3]
The Impact of Paternal Involvement on Post-Divorce Children [2]
· When the divorce rate began to rise exponentially in the 1970s, it was thought that absence of paternal contact was a critical factor in the poor adaptation of some children to divorce. Several studies, including the National Survey of Children, have shown that paternal participation has a negligible effect, if any, on the well being of children (academics, behavioral problems, distress, and delinquency). However, it is important to note that there are several limiting factors in these studies (low overall level of paternal contact with children) and that the principle conclusion derived should be that increased paternal contact does not correlate to increases in positive outcomes.
Long-term Outcomes
· 10 and 15 year longitudinal studies show that divorce is not to be considered as an acute stress/crisis in the lives of children but rather, it is an event that can have long term consequences on psychosocial functional of children, adolescents, and young adults. The long-term outcomes of well-adjusted or poorly adjusted children draw heavily on the child’s post-divorce quality of life and on the post-divorce or remarried parent-child relationships.
· The most frequent delayed onset negative consequences center around anxieties and fear of the child that s/he will repeat the failed marital or love relationship that the child observed during the divorce. [4]
· Wallerstein’s ‘sleeper effect’ is a piquant example of the far-reaching effects of one such long-term consequence. Up to 66% of the women between 19-23 that were interviewed during 10 years post-divorce had a resurgence of anxiety, fear, guilt, and anger that they had suppressed for many years. These feelings tended to resurface when the adolescent and young adult women were attempting to make major life decisions (such as marriage). [3]
Conclusions
· Divorce and its ensuing ramifications can have a significant and life-altering impact on the well being and subsequent development of children and adolescents.
· The consequences of divorce impact almost all aspects of a child’s life, including the parent-child relationship, emotions and behavior, psychological development, and coping skills.
· There is a significant need for child mental health professionals, along with other child specialists, to be cognizant of the broad spectrum of possible fall-out from a divorce and then to provide sufficient support for children of divorced parents in all the necessary psychosocial aspects of the child’s life.
References
1. Hetherington EM. Furstenberg FF. Sounding the Alarm. Readings: A Journal of Review and Commentary in Mental Health. 6: 4-8, 1989.
2. Furstenberg FF. Morgan SP. Allison PD. Paternal Participation and Children’s Well-Being After Marital Dissolution. American Sociological Review. 52: 695-701, 1987.
3. Wallerstein, JS. Corbin SB. The Child and the Vicissitudes of Divorce.
4. Wallerstein, JS. Children After Divorce: Wounds That Don’t Heal. The Psychiatric Times: Medicine and Behavior. 8: 8-11, 1989.
Back to the Divorce and Children page
Sunset
This is a picture of the beautiful sunset we enjoyed at the beach this weekend. We had such a wonderful time, even if our dog did get car sick!!!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Some BIG Shoes to Fill
I ran across these pictures of Bowen on my mom's camera. It is such a cute picture of Bowen in his Papa's church shoes. It did send me into deep thought about the shoes that we are trying to fill, and the ones we are leaving our children to walk in. Will those shoes bring honor and respect, or shame and embarrassment?. I do not want to get so caught up in my life, wants, desires etc. that I forget who is following in my footsteps. I have been blessed beyond measure with amazing godly parents. I am so thankful for the upbringing that they gave me. I hope that when all is said and done, my children can say the same.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Let It Go!!
I know I posted this before but I thought in the spirit of the New Year it would be a good reminder!!
Let it go for 2004...by T. D. Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,
loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you,
staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
The bible said that,
They came out from us that it might be made manifest
that they were not for us.
For had they been of us,
no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you,
you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person,
it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's
part in your story is over so that you
don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something.
I've got the gift of good-bye.
It's the tenth spiritual gift,
I believe in good-bye.
It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful,
and I know whatever God means for me to have
He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something
that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life,
then you need to ..LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...
;LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you ...
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge ..
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ...
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents ..
LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude...
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...
LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new
level in Him...
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
themselves..
LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed ....
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling
yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to..
LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past.
Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for 2004!!!
LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then
LET IT GO!!!
"The Battle is the Lord's!"
Let it go for 2004...by T. D. Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,
loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you,
staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
The bible said that,
They came out from us that it might be made manifest
that they were not for us.
For had they been of us,
no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you,
you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person,
it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's
part in your story is over so that you
don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something.
I've got the gift of good-bye.
It's the tenth spiritual gift,
I believe in good-bye.
It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful,
and I know whatever God means for me to have
He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something
that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life,
then you need to ..LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...
;LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you ...
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge ..
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ...
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents ..
LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude...
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...
LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new
level in Him...
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
themselves..
LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed ....
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling
yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to..
LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past.
Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for 2004!!!
LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then
LET IT GO!!!
"The Battle is the Lord's!"
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Flashback
As Jay and I were headed to the beach this weekend we were going through my CD's listening to diffrent songs when I ran across this CD by the Casting Crowns. This song "Love Them Like Jesus" has meant so much to me over the last couple of years. Their was a time when life was really dark, when you don't really know what to do, where to go, or even what to pray for. At this same time My brother and sister n law became pregnant, which was such a ray of sunshine in my dark time, only to lose the baby a couple of months later. So when I would hear this song it would minister to me because it spoke to both of our situations so specifically. Well time went on and God has been more than faithfull and blessed my life in so many ways. Josh and Candace now have a beautiful baby girl, and our hurts are far behind us. I guess I said all that to say this. When I really didn't not know how to help my situation or my beautiful daughter who was also in pain, all I could do was love her like Jesus....
The love of her life is drifting away
They’re losing the fight for another day
The life that she’s known is falling apart
A fatherless home, a child’s broken heart
You’re holding her hand, you’re straining for words
You trying to make - sense of it all
She’s desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She’s looking to you
Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus
The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to grey
As the little one slips away
You’re holding their hand, you’re straining for words
You’re trying to make sense of it all
They’re desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They’re looking to you
Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you
So love them like Jesus, love them like Jesus
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Love them like Jesus
The love of her life is drifting away
They’re losing the fight for another day
The life that she’s known is falling apart
A fatherless home, a child’s broken heart
You’re holding her hand, you’re straining for words
You trying to make - sense of it all
She’s desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She’s looking to you
Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus
The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to grey
As the little one slips away
You’re holding their hand, you’re straining for words
You’re trying to make sense of it all
They’re desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They’re looking to you
Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you
So love them like Jesus, love them like Jesus
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Love them like Jesus
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